you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
