Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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