while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
