Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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