I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dick very happy bro
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
