Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
