Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
