my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
