if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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