I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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