I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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