took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
