There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
