Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We are all done wearing pants today
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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