I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
