is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
