i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
