11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
