Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
