chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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