He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
