I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
