I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
