Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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