So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
