the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
