There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
my liver is dry heaving
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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