Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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