i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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