I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
