I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
