I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
