my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
