I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
