My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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