Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
