my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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