I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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