when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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