he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
