sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
