he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
