She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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