Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
