Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
