New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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