I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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