my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
