wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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