her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize