Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
