dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize