The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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