Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
