found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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