I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
