Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
