he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
