I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
