Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
