So drunk its hurt
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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